Me against the world

     Went to a class get-together yesterday. Karaoke, food, messing around...it was supposed to be the last time we go out as a class, since people are going away for their college. There weren't any sobs, and tears. I wasn't even suprised. Now, former class six, in year seven, when their class had to be broken up, the students cried like crazy. They've only been together for a year, and there're still in the same school, but somehow it was too overwhelming for them.  

    Not to blow our own horn, but our class is a talented one. In every field too, except for sports. Teeming with thinkers, studiers, and ambitioners, our class is one with vast potential. But it always lacked unification. No one cared about class glory, no one was willing to sacrifice a little bit for the rest of the class. There is no bond, no love. I am in no way pointing fingers and saying it's bad. It's not. When an individual is smart, ambitious, and focused, of course they are gonna spend time perfectioning themselves. It's not selfishness, it's selfness.   

   Anyone care to moniter the process of pain? I tried. We all had bad things happen to us right? Sometimes they come without warning. And when it strikes you you're left with this feel of emptiness. You don't feel the pain all of a sudden, because you're still having trouble making sense of it, and accepting it. Is it true? Could there be a mistake? Is this really happening to me? Why? Is this real? Maybe I'll wake up...The bad information itself is not complex, but our mind is no cpu, and our sub-conscious wishfulness rejects the info that we wish is not true.

   And after some time, as the shock fade away, the pain comes crashing in. It suffocates us, and I mean it literally. You seem to breath out dense fumes, which makes your breath heavier, and your mind loses clarity. Your mind is occupied by a single information, which is rare, and can only be acheived through dramatic emotions.

   As the first wave of pain dies down, a second comes in. This one is weaker, and leaves space for thought. Emotion and logic are conflicting elements, one increase while the other decrease. You begin to think back how this occured, how you could have prevented it, the consequences this fate brings, and what your options are. In this stage we are controlled by our emotions, and our thoughts tend to be irrevelent: Why does this have to happen to me? why do bad things happen to good people? Is it becaused I didn't pray enough? Is this a punishment? Should I kill myself? Friends and family, at this stage, would do better if they leave the subject ( the person) alone, because taliking logic would do no good.

   One of the things people say is: it already happened. Move on. Note this: it is impossible for the subject to not think about it. It is impossible to not feel sad. So, if a friend of family want to comfort the subject, do not try say: "you're being sad has no use" and such, because there is no way you can make the subject share your view and feel better all of a sudden. This is an emotional problem. While logical problems can be solved instantly by been shown the right way, emotional problems can not. What a friend can do, is simply be there with the subject, listen tentively, and steering the conversation away from negativity. A simple presence would be enough.

   Each period of pain can only last a few hours. After then you may feel temporaily better. You may suddenly have a postive view, or simply say: fuck it, I don't care. But bear in mind that the negative thoughts will come back with force, so be prepared.

   As days turn into weeks, your pain will lessen, but do not dissapear. It is important to contain the emotional damage. Protect your confidence and self esteem. Also, know that whatever happened to you, you're not the first or last to endure it. knowing cases worse than yours or knowing how people got out of it is a great help.

   Last of all, think. About the whole thing. Experience may only be gained if you dig hard. Do not try to forget it. Injuries that are not healed properly effects us the rest of our lives...

 

To be continued...

  

  Is anyone out there? ...

  I am lost. Lost in darkness, a place familiar yet unknown. Time stops yet the clock is ticking, and the countdown continues. A countdown to what? The end or beginning?

  For the last eighteen years I have lived my life as I pictured. I  am what I always thought I was: a kid, a carefree child, and most importantly, a student. But as judgement day draws near, i am forced to re-evaluate my identity, and the person i seek to be. What I have found is that I do not known myself. I do not know what I want to major in. I do not know what I want to be. I am a traveller who does not know his destination.

  Lost.

  I have no habit of thinking about the future. The principle according to which I live my life is to make the best of NOW. I believed if each stepping stone is perfect then the road will just take me to where I want to be.

  But it doesn't. And now I know that for the last twelve years that I spent in school, it wasn't leading to my future. It was leading to this.

  I am tired. I sleep ten hours a day, but what's tired is my soul. With the walls suppressing I am condemned to silence, but inside I crave for freedom. The freedom of taking it easy. The freedom of been truly happy and not feel guilty about it. The freedom of going out to enjoy the sun.

  I look outside and I see people. And I wonder if they have ever felt what I feel now. I search their faces for answers they shyly turn away. Maybe we're all meant to bleed in one battle field or another. But those tears and sorrow, deppression and pain, they're memories for each individual to treasure.

  I am weak. I know. Others bite down hard and swallow, when I weep and sob in comforting arms. I pour it out when a real warrior stays silent.

  Sometimes we live for years like it was a day. And sometimes we live for a few days as if it was a year. In those days we are baptised and reborn, and as we look at the day with brand new eyes, we have grown.

   And the term is about to start. So how's everyone's vacation? What? Yeah, we did actually have a vacation...oh, you've been working. Now why doesn't that suprise me? Behind the desk from dusk to dawn? And then from dawn to dusk? Occasionally getting to brush off the dust that's been settling on your shoulders and allow blood to flow back into your legs? Is that it? You dissapoint me.

   But I see some of you having a good time. Don't make me kill you. Going sightseeing, seeing mother nature...taking photos with your leg on your shoulders(it's like watching scenes from a horror movie). Ah, the wonderful days of being pre-senior.

   But the rest of you, studying til you're spitting blood...YOU PUT PRESSURE ON ME! See what you've done? You've turned me into a paranoid psychopath!!! WAAAAAA! Take out straitjacket and throw me in a rubber room.

   So, how was everyone's new year?  How about the fireworks? Ones that contribute to noise and air pollution, and also the injury of 150 people and the death of one? Whooo, festive...the people demand fireworks ! It's a weapon of mass destruction alright.

   On the bright side, I got eight hundred yuan! For new year of course( I've been unemployed for many years now, it's a disasster...). Those of you seeking to scorn at the amount be warned, I bought a 9mm pistol and enough ammo. i also spent 500 on a pair of jeans. I could of saved 200 starving ethiopian children with the money, but I decided the way I dress is more important.

    Oh, I got a hair cut today. Apparently, since it's been quite long since my last haircut, they've changed the names of hairstyles. Now, "A bit shorter" is the name of what we used to call "egghead", which is what I got when I said "a bit shorter". On the way back my cab driver asked me if I was going through chemo-therapy.

    And in that spirit...i set forth on the journey.

  Apparently, flowers can be categorized into two categories: one that grew in flower pots, and the other in the wilderness. See, I never knew that. All i see are those pretty dainty ones in shops. Now, most people can't tell them apart, and let's face it, not much people want to take the time to differentiate them. I mean, they all look the same, right?

  The ones in shops grew up in a warm, sunlit greenhouse. Greenhouses are palaces to a plant. So these flowersgrew up nourished and plum, and then they were put in shop windows like mannequin models.

  Then, there's ones that grew up in the wilderness. From cliff edges to damp caves, in the blazing sun or a raging storm. These flowers grew up in the face of "hardship". And then, they were put into shop windows too. And they look just like the greenhouse ones.

   So, when the buyer comes, all he sees is a row of pretty flowers. That's why he's gonna judge them equally, and pay for them equally. But every flower has it's own story, you know? Some of them are boring, some are true epics.

   I used to walk straight past flower stores. I bet you do too. We think they're the same. We think they're barbie dolls. We prefer cactuses(...ok, maybe that's just me). But they're not the same. And they deserve all the praises and respect in the world.